23. Get a Wriggle on – HENGE

Great to see some new stuff from HENGE.

Well, they have travelled from the far corners or the universe, and from billions of years in the past (or future: they’re non-committal about the specifics) to share their message of good will and sage advice to all humans, so it would be rude of us not to take a moment to appreciate the totally bonkers wisdom and lore of the mighty HENGE.

HENGE have been observing the humans from afar for some time now, and find it difficult to understand how a life form so “advanced” could be so hell-bent on destroying its own host planet:

Zpor: “We should warn them”
Anonymous spaceship minion: “They already know!”
Zpor: “We should warn them again!”

And warn us they do, setting the co-ordinates for Planet Earth, and travelling with great haste through time and space to a playground in a Manchester park, wherein they disguise themselves as small children, hoping to “blend in”. What could possibly go wrong.

This is rather urgent, humans, you don’t have the time to waste!
It’s critically important, humans, that you now proceed with haste!
It will not be long before the ice melts and the gas escapes!
A tipping point is coming, humans, when your ecosystem breaks!

A small but perfectly-groomed army of mini-HENGElings are recruited, and proceed to plant a modest amount of earth-vegetation, collect some litter, and summarily berate Barry Shitpeas for dropping yet more litter. Suitably chastened, he picks it up and scampers away to safety. A dance routine—clearly choreographed by the child performers’ dads—breaks out, and one rap later…

Better get a wriggle on!
Better get up!
Better get arse in gear!
Shoulda got a grip by now!
Shoulda woke up!
You should not dither here!

…the earth is presumably saved for another year or two.

Threehundredsongs was lucky enough to see HENGE live whilst at work a week or two ago—along with a thumping support slot from Elf Traps. Happy memories of hanging with my super pal and colleague Charlotte while we somehow dealt with a room full of several hundred earthling humans who were, to use the medical parlance, tripping balls.

It would be easy to dismiss HENGE as a novelty act, but no. This is important stuff, humans. We only have one planet (though HENGE apparently have several, which seems a little greedy). Get a wriggle on!

And hand me a bottle of that youngulisation serum, please.

Artist: HENGE
Album: Alpha Test 4
Writer: Zpor (Earthly pseudonym: Matthew Whitaker)
Producer: HENGE
Released: 2023; Cosmic Dross Records

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